E is for Emptiness

Drinking has never satisfied my needs.  It has always left me alone and empty.  I thought drinking could save me from depression and pain, but it only left me worse off then when I started. I often woke up as a hollow shell, knowing I drove the ones I love off.  They were only concerned for me and my welfare, and in my drunkenness I would hurt them more then I can ever know.  Drinking always started out as either fun and being social, or just to take the edge off and be comforted.  It always ended the same way, I would end up passed out in bed, feeling like crap in the morning, and my friends and family were hurt, or I didnt solve a damn thing. In fact, my problems just kept getting worse and worse.  Everything was piling up on top of me, and no one was there to help (anymore) I was empty and alone. I knew the only way to get my life back on track, be focused and salvage something including the companionship of my loved ones was to QUIT! (I never really lost there love, I just drove them away because they could not watch me kill myself slowly anymore) It wasnt easy, I had a couple of set backs, only giving less hope to my family.... but when I finally opened my eyes to what I was about to lose forever, I knew I could not live with that emptiness!
I felt I could not do it alone, I needed to be constantly watched, but I really didnt have the time of money to go into a 30 day inpatient program (which I would be willing to do if my efforts failed) so I began what I call "the babysitter".  I could not have someone around me 24/7, and knowing my track record, the second I would be left alone, I would sneak to a liquor store.  And so came into play ANABUSE.... it is with me 24/7 and even if I failed to take it, it takes 2 weeks to get out of my system.... there is no way I could drink.  In fact, sometimes I am scared to eat, if I fear wine could be in a recipe.  Being sober has pushed back the emptiness in my life.... still I have a lot of bridges to mend, but I am slowly seeing trust come back to me from the ones I love.... I believe they believe in me, and for once I believe in myself!