G is for Gratitude

There is so much for myself and others to be grateful for, but to many times we look at our desires instead of our blessing.  I have been so grateful for getting a second chance ( and a third, and fourth and so on) that I started think how so many of us (especially me) take so much for granted.
A few days ago, not far from where I live there was a massacre that took 27 people, inuding 20 children.  This has shaken all of us, but it also stopped many to be thankful for the simple things.  I am grateful to have a house and a bed to lay my head on at the end of the day. I am grateful that when so many search for jobs, I continue to have one.  I am thankful for my children who are healthy and able to care for themselves.  Yes, I am very grateful that I have found a strength to remain sober and live a life of clarity.  I know that everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad.  I must look at everything as an opportunity to grow, stretch and become who I really want to be.  While unpleasant times got me to this place, I am grateful to have been blessed with a reason to see that only good can come from it.  Sometimes stretching, growing and cutting off the dead wood that stunts our growth and steals our energy is painful. However I am grateful to be going through this process that is healing me. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life!

F is for Failure and Faith

In the past I have had many attempts at sobriety and also many failures. It has come to the point where no one believes I can or will become and remain sober.  I can not blame them for their doubt in me, after all it is my track record. I have let them down and hurt them way too many times.  However I have Faith this time! Faith in the program I am in, faith in myself, faith in the support I get from everywhere and anywhere.  My past failures do not make up my future. I have read that failure isn't in the fall, but in not getting back up after the fall.  Well, I have had my share of slips and spills, but I am taking control over my life, and I am getting it back! No more excuses, no more lies, it's my time to get free from this addiction that I let run a muck too long. I feel good about my progress, but I am not over inflating my successes.  I know I still have a long way to go, but failure is not an option!  Failure is the past, I have Faith that with the help of the Universe and all the people and guides, along with AA and other support, I can live a full, wonderful sober life.
It's true, in the past I have failed, but I am not a failure, I am a work in progress. And as my mother told me, I can do anything I set my mind to!

E is for Emptiness

Drinking has never satisfied my needs.  It has always left me alone and empty.  I thought drinking could save me from depression and pain, but it only left me worse off then when I started. I often woke up as a hollow shell, knowing I drove the ones I love off.  They were only concerned for me and my welfare, and in my drunkenness I would hurt them more then I can ever know.  Drinking always started out as either fun and being social, or just to take the edge off and be comforted.  It always ended the same way, I would end up passed out in bed, feeling like crap in the morning, and my friends and family were hurt, or I didnt solve a damn thing. In fact, my problems just kept getting worse and worse.  Everything was piling up on top of me, and no one was there to help (anymore) I was empty and alone. I knew the only way to get my life back on track, be focused and salvage something including the companionship of my loved ones was to QUIT! (I never really lost there love, I just drove them away because they could not watch me kill myself slowly anymore) It wasnt easy, I had a couple of set backs, only giving less hope to my family.... but when I finally opened my eyes to what I was about to lose forever, I knew I could not live with that emptiness!
I felt I could not do it alone, I needed to be constantly watched, but I really didnt have the time of money to go into a 30 day inpatient program (which I would be willing to do if my efforts failed) so I began what I call "the babysitter".  I could not have someone around me 24/7, and knowing my track record, the second I would be left alone, I would sneak to a liquor store.  And so came into play ANABUSE.... it is with me 24/7 and even if I failed to take it, it takes 2 weeks to get out of my system.... there is no way I could drink.  In fact, sometimes I am scared to eat, if I fear wine could be in a recipe.  Being sober has pushed back the emptiness in my life.... still I have a lot of bridges to mend, but I am slowly seeing trust come back to me from the ones I love.... I believe they believe in me, and for once I believe in myself!

D is for Dream

I always loved when I would fall asleep and dream, like a movie that I would never know what to expect and can never see again. Some were so funny they would wake me up laughing, and others so scary I could not get back to sleep. But dreams can come when you are awake too... and the best dreams are the ones you can LIVE!  I had a dream that for a long time I thought could not come true. I would dream of being happy and sober.  I know without sobriety I could never REALLY be happy.... how could I?  Every morning waking up hating what I had done the night before.  Every morning feeling guilty and woozy.  Yet every night I would go back to the same thing.... a drink!  ooo just one or two, I would tell myself... but it always lead too way too many more.  My dream was to STOP! I wanted to be ME again!  I dreamt some day it would happen, I would be happy, focused and enjoying my life, without booze!  but I was sure that I just could not do it.   I felt like I was in a nightmare, no way out... I just didn't have enough will power to stop drinking, and in some way I thought no one really cared anyway. I was wrong.  No one really cared? They cared so much and tried so hard, but I kept disappointing them and PUSHING them away.  It got to the point where they just could not watch me abuse myself anymore. It hurt them, probably more then it was hurting me.  I was a living nightmare!
Then one day after I started treatment, and stumbled, I realized I had lost so much and this seemed like my last chance to salvage whatever I had left in my life.  I still had the man that loves me, but I was pushing him away too with my self destructive behavior.  That is when I said I HAVE to get serious and get my life back on track. What were my dreams?  Certainly not being without everyone and everything in my life, or being a drunk.  I had a chance and I didnt want to blow it!  It finally clicked!  I started taking the whole thing seriously.  This was not a game, not a DREAM.... this was real life and I had to wake up! Pulling myself up by the boot straps and taking a look at who I truly am without the booze, I knew I did have the strength in me to do this!  I was the only one who could, and I really wanted to live my dream. Loving myself enough to really dive into my sobriety and the program I was enrolled in and leaning on the ones that support me, I knew I had the power to do this!  I have so many blessing in my life, and now knowing I am on the right track, I can begin dreaming of my future. A future filled with joy and dreams that will come true. A future where my dreams can come true, and I can rest assured there will be no more nightmares.
Wishing all of your dreams come true too!

C is for Comfort

Yes, comfort, it could have been confidence, but without comfort I dont think I could have confidence!  My comfort has a name.... its call Antabuse.  Antabuse is a drug that causes a violent reaction should you consume any type of alcohol. In that I find comfort and with comfort comes confidence.  I have not even thought about a drink since I started taking this pill each morning, and I find myself reminding myself not to "forget" to take it.... as I am notorious for forgetting medication.  I HAVE to take this for now to help me succeed, but I have the confidence now that I WILL SUCCEED.... finally!
Between the support I get at home, in my group and with the "babysitter" Antabuse I know I can recover!  I have been sober, and know I am in recovery now... the big old gorilla that has been on my back is starting to look more like a chimp.... and I look forward to the day when it becomes a little pigmy spider monkey.... It will happen. One day I will be back to me, not even thinking about having a drink!  So comfort leads to confidence!
What is Antibuse?

B is For......

WOW! Did I ever struggle with B!  Not that there werent enough B words to come up with, Believe, Benifits, Begining, even Broken.... but none seemed to really SPEAK to me.... I guess I still had work to do on A before I could move onto B.
So B is for BEST FRIEND! 
Best friends do what is always right for you, even if its not what you want to hear.  Best friends are there to help pick you up if you fall, but will not help in what made you fall to begin with.
I am fortunate to have a couple of people who are close enough to me to be my BEST friend. (I know most people only get 1 Best Friend, but the Universe saw my need and blessed me with 2)
I have Best Friends that cares about me sometimes more then I do.  Best Friends who tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear.  Best Friends that will not tolerate my abuse of alcohol. Best Friends that will not ENABLE me.  Now that is a BEST friend! 
I had to reach up from below the bottom... but when I got there, my best friend was waiting, to help me... not to help me do it again, but to truly help me become healthy again. My best friend keeps me positive, and helps me keep things in perspective.  I dont have to solve everything at once, I just have to take baby steps to get to my goal.  Each day I feel (with the strength I get from my best friend) that my stride is getting just a little bit bigger. I feel confident that with the help of others (many others) I can reach my goal, achieve a healthy sober life, and be happy again!
I am grateful for my Best Friends!