K is for Kick the Habit

Ok, so I know its not as easy as that.  Its an effort every day, but everyday I can look at what I have now, where my life is going and how nothing is better than the future (alcohol free)
It's not always easy, there are big triggers like stress and emotions, as well as small ones like barbequing (always a beer in front of the grill)  but soda is a great replacement!
Yes sometimes its just habits, picnics, parties, all types of social events, but people for the most part dont pressure you to be "social" anymore.
In the old days when I didnt drink because I just didnt like it, I used to have water or soda with a lime in it... that made the big drinkers happy they were not drinking alone.
For me, drinking took up alot of my time, so looking for new "habits" is something I want to do, but its so funny.... now that I have a life, I have very little time for anything else but living it day to day!
I am glad I found myself in sobriety... I still once in a while would like a "taste" but it certainly isnt worth the problems it would create.  I love my life. I love where its going, I love who I am spending it with.  I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason, so I know that my drinking and sobriety was for a purpose....  I thank the Universe for what I have now... I am thankful it didnt take me as long as it takes others to get here, and I am thankful for all the people who helped me along the way... especially my soul mate Dave!

J is for Journey

It's funny where life will take you and how the choices we make pave the way.
I was on a path of self destruction. I doubt any other species on this earth would do to themselves what I was doing to myself (and what others choose to do to themselves). Yes we all in the human race have free will.... are we the only animal on earth that would use that free will to make ourselves sick and miserable?
Since I have made the choice to stop killing myself and abusing my body with alcohol, my journey has changed for the better.  Oh dont get me wrong, I have my moments, days and probably even weeks.... moments when I need more patience then I think I have, moments when I think I cant do it, moments when I want to cry, or hide from the world or run away from reality.  But I can deal with these moments now!  I can deal with them because I am NOT drinking.  And when I feel like I cant deal with them, I know I can lean on the one I love.  Do I have triggers that can set me off... OOOO YEA! but I also have a support system that I know I can go to, and get the help I need to get through the rough spots. 
Life is so good!  Life is good because I am sober and I can enjoy it! Yes they say life is a journey, with its long winding roads, some up hills, some down.... but the scenery is beautiful if you just look around!  Rainy days?  yep, but have you ever looked at a drop of rain coming off a blade of grass?
or a puddle of rain inside a tulip's leaf?  I have, and its beautiful.  Sunny days, with the sun warming your face... cold days when you can feel the air in your lungs and know you are alive?
Every day is good....
But then there are those days.... when you feel like even the Gods of the Universe are crying.... I'm not sure about you, but I never felt any better on those days when I got the the bottom of a bottle... so I choose to ride out the feelings, cry with the Universe and feel the feeling I am meant to feel... after all, that is life, and no matter what, LIFE IS GOOD.
Everything that happens in life, good, bad or indifferent is a lesson to learn and to move on from. I am so glad I have learned that self destruction is no way to live life.  I love the journey of life.  I love where I am, I love that I have had a good life for the most part, by the choices I have made.  I love that when I take responsibility for the path I take on my life's journey that the journey becomes more enjoyable. 
Do I hit bumps in the road?  yep, but I can handle them with the love of family (Dave, my kids, and of course my DAWGS!) 
Enjoy your journey.... choose to live life to its fullest, after all, life is too short to waste!

I is for....

Well, I is for me.  I know in sports, there is no I in team, but this is one thing in life I can only do for myself.  No one can do it for me, and I can't do it for anyone else.  I am not "good" at recovery.... I am just doing the best I can. I need help, but only I can stay sober, and I can only do it for me.  I have fucked up a couple times, and each time the lesson hurts me more and more, although the duck up is always less and less. (Thank God, because I hate how I feel if I slip and hurt myself and others that I love an mean the world to me)
I did it again.... I didn't even get drunk... I "just" had 2 beers... I just wanted to TASTE it..... Well, I did.... And no one knew except for me and one of the closest people to me..... And I hurt us both so badly.... And it was not worth it at all......
My choice, my mistake, yet it hurt both of us.  I hope I never ever slip into "remission" again.... Never sneak, or try to "fool" anyone.... I can't change the past.... I can only try to do better in the future....
I am human, I make mistakes, and have bad judgement on occasion.... I just have to remember to reach out for help when I need it.... It only helps me, and it helps earn the trust of the ones I love.  Because if I don't have their trust, I only have myself to blame... And without trust, it's hard to have much more to build on.
To all who love me..... I am sorry for the past hurts I put on you, I will work harder for your trust. I will also try not to be so hard on myself, and I will ask for help when I need it..... Because, I am worth recovery, sobriety and taking the steps to have a healthy focused life of love and joy.

H is for Hurting and Help

It's been a rough week!  One of the kinds of weeks you wish you could just hit the rewind button and do over!  I seemed as though one misunderstanding just lead to another and another. Until 2 people who love each other more than anything else hurt each other the best way they knew how.  Ya know what hurting does to the alcoholic?  It acts as a trigger...... A frigging trigger!
So what should an alcoholic in recovery do when they hurt and are being triggered big time?  GET HELP!
What did I do? ( remember I said rough week)
First I guess I wanted to cover the pain I was feeling with a drink, and hurt the one who hurt me.
So what did I do?
Yep.... I fucked up and I relapsed.... After a few I called a friend who encouraged me to stop drinking and talk out my hurt.... But as a drunk, I was past the point of no return.
I woke up the next morning, and had the same hurt and problems, but I realized I only made them worse by acting like a spoiled baby and lashing out and having a drink..... And worst yet, I gave up my sobriety!!
What the hell had I been thinking?  Nothing, I mean NOTHING is worth more then my sobriety!
The next day, we continued to hurt each other and it seemed unbearable..... But I kept telling myself NO! I went out to the pharmacy and passing 3 of my old liquor stores was one of the hardest things I ever did without stopping in!  Then I thought of something I had told my Daughter many many years ago, "everyone needs help sometime, and if they say they don't they are a liar"
I knew it, I needed help....
I went to an AA meeting, I reached out for help....
Events unfolded, and because I was sober I was able to handle them, and although they were hard, I could handle the situation, because I was SOBER.....
As things turned out, I was able to over come a stumble, get help, start working on healing the hurt..... I believe everything happens for a reason, and so much good has come from this lesson........
I know there will be triggers, but I also know I have to make a call BEFORE I allow the hurt to win (Oooooo yes, because I always have the choice to pick up a drink or to leave it).
Yea, I fucked up..... I drank...... But everyday is a new beginning.... I learned, call for help when you hurt!!!  JUST CALL..... You will save yourself a world of more hurt!
Now say it with me, just for today.... Just for this moment.... I will not drink,,,, and keep saying it my friend!

G is for Gratitude

There is so much for myself and others to be grateful for, but to many times we look at our desires instead of our blessing.  I have been so grateful for getting a second chance ( and a third, and fourth and so on) that I started think how so many of us (especially me) take so much for granted.
A few days ago, not far from where I live there was a massacre that took 27 people, inuding 20 children.  This has shaken all of us, but it also stopped many to be thankful for the simple things.  I am grateful to have a house and a bed to lay my head on at the end of the day. I am grateful that when so many search for jobs, I continue to have one.  I am thankful for my children who are healthy and able to care for themselves.  Yes, I am very grateful that I have found a strength to remain sober and live a life of clarity.  I know that everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad.  I must look at everything as an opportunity to grow, stretch and become who I really want to be.  While unpleasant times got me to this place, I am grateful to have been blessed with a reason to see that only good can come from it.  Sometimes stretching, growing and cutting off the dead wood that stunts our growth and steals our energy is painful. However I am grateful to be going through this process that is healing me. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life!

F is for Failure and Faith

In the past I have had many attempts at sobriety and also many failures. It has come to the point where no one believes I can or will become and remain sober.  I can not blame them for their doubt in me, after all it is my track record. I have let them down and hurt them way too many times.  However I have Faith this time! Faith in the program I am in, faith in myself, faith in the support I get from everywhere and anywhere.  My past failures do not make up my future. I have read that failure isn't in the fall, but in not getting back up after the fall.  Well, I have had my share of slips and spills, but I am taking control over my life, and I am getting it back! No more excuses, no more lies, it's my time to get free from this addiction that I let run a muck too long. I feel good about my progress, but I am not over inflating my successes.  I know I still have a long way to go, but failure is not an option!  Failure is the past, I have Faith that with the help of the Universe and all the people and guides, along with AA and other support, I can live a full, wonderful sober life.
It's true, in the past I have failed, but I am not a failure, I am a work in progress. And as my mother told me, I can do anything I set my mind to!

E is for Emptiness

Drinking has never satisfied my needs.  It has always left me alone and empty.  I thought drinking could save me from depression and pain, but it only left me worse off then when I started. I often woke up as a hollow shell, knowing I drove the ones I love off.  They were only concerned for me and my welfare, and in my drunkenness I would hurt them more then I can ever know.  Drinking always started out as either fun and being social, or just to take the edge off and be comforted.  It always ended the same way, I would end up passed out in bed, feeling like crap in the morning, and my friends and family were hurt, or I didnt solve a damn thing. In fact, my problems just kept getting worse and worse.  Everything was piling up on top of me, and no one was there to help (anymore) I was empty and alone. I knew the only way to get my life back on track, be focused and salvage something including the companionship of my loved ones was to QUIT! (I never really lost there love, I just drove them away because they could not watch me kill myself slowly anymore) It wasnt easy, I had a couple of set backs, only giving less hope to my family.... but when I finally opened my eyes to what I was about to lose forever, I knew I could not live with that emptiness!
I felt I could not do it alone, I needed to be constantly watched, but I really didnt have the time of money to go into a 30 day inpatient program (which I would be willing to do if my efforts failed) so I began what I call "the babysitter".  I could not have someone around me 24/7, and knowing my track record, the second I would be left alone, I would sneak to a liquor store.  And so came into play ANABUSE.... it is with me 24/7 and even if I failed to take it, it takes 2 weeks to get out of my system.... there is no way I could drink.  In fact, sometimes I am scared to eat, if I fear wine could be in a recipe.  Being sober has pushed back the emptiness in my life.... still I have a lot of bridges to mend, but I am slowly seeing trust come back to me from the ones I love.... I believe they believe in me, and for once I believe in myself!