I is for....

Well, I is for me.  I know in sports, there is no I in team, but this is one thing in life I can only do for myself.  No one can do it for me, and I can't do it for anyone else.  I am not "good" at recovery.... I am just doing the best I can. I need help, but only I can stay sober, and I can only do it for me.  I have fucked up a couple times, and each time the lesson hurts me more and more, although the duck up is always less and less. (Thank God, because I hate how I feel if I slip and hurt myself and others that I love an mean the world to me)
I did it again.... I didn't even get drunk... I "just" had 2 beers... I just wanted to TASTE it..... Well, I did.... And no one knew except for me and one of the closest people to me..... And I hurt us both so badly.... And it was not worth it at all......
My choice, my mistake, yet it hurt both of us.  I hope I never ever slip into "remission" again.... Never sneak, or try to "fool" anyone.... I can't change the past.... I can only try to do better in the future....
I am human, I make mistakes, and have bad judgement on occasion.... I just have to remember to reach out for help when I need it.... It only helps me, and it helps earn the trust of the ones I love.  Because if I don't have their trust, I only have myself to blame... And without trust, it's hard to have much more to build on.
To all who love me..... I am sorry for the past hurts I put on you, I will work harder for your trust. I will also try not to be so hard on myself, and I will ask for help when I need it..... Because, I am worth recovery, sobriety and taking the steps to have a healthy focused life of love and joy.

H is for Hurting and Help

It's been a rough week!  One of the kinds of weeks you wish you could just hit the rewind button and do over!  I seemed as though one misunderstanding just lead to another and another. Until 2 people who love each other more than anything else hurt each other the best way they knew how.  Ya know what hurting does to the alcoholic?  It acts as a trigger...... A frigging trigger!
So what should an alcoholic in recovery do when they hurt and are being triggered big time?  GET HELP!
What did I do? ( remember I said rough week)
First I guess I wanted to cover the pain I was feeling with a drink, and hurt the one who hurt me.
So what did I do?
Yep.... I fucked up and I relapsed.... After a few I called a friend who encouraged me to stop drinking and talk out my hurt.... But as a drunk, I was past the point of no return.
I woke up the next morning, and had the same hurt and problems, but I realized I only made them worse by acting like a spoiled baby and lashing out and having a drink..... And worst yet, I gave up my sobriety!!
What the hell had I been thinking?  Nothing, I mean NOTHING is worth more then my sobriety!
The next day, we continued to hurt each other and it seemed unbearable..... But I kept telling myself NO! I went out to the pharmacy and passing 3 of my old liquor stores was one of the hardest things I ever did without stopping in!  Then I thought of something I had told my Daughter many many years ago, "everyone needs help sometime, and if they say they don't they are a liar"
I knew it, I needed help....
I went to an AA meeting, I reached out for help....
Events unfolded, and because I was sober I was able to handle them, and although they were hard, I could handle the situation, because I was SOBER.....
As things turned out, I was able to over come a stumble, get help, start working on healing the hurt..... I believe everything happens for a reason, and so much good has come from this lesson........
I know there will be triggers, but I also know I have to make a call BEFORE I allow the hurt to win (Oooooo yes, because I always have the choice to pick up a drink or to leave it).
Yea, I fucked up..... I drank...... But everyday is a new beginning.... I learned, call for help when you hurt!!!  JUST CALL..... You will save yourself a world of more hurt!
Now say it with me, just for today.... Just for this moment.... I will not drink,,,, and keep saying it my friend!

G is for Gratitude

There is so much for myself and others to be grateful for, but to many times we look at our desires instead of our blessing.  I have been so grateful for getting a second chance ( and a third, and fourth and so on) that I started think how so many of us (especially me) take so much for granted.
A few days ago, not far from where I live there was a massacre that took 27 people, inuding 20 children.  This has shaken all of us, but it also stopped many to be thankful for the simple things.  I am grateful to have a house and a bed to lay my head on at the end of the day. I am grateful that when so many search for jobs, I continue to have one.  I am thankful for my children who are healthy and able to care for themselves.  Yes, I am very grateful that I have found a strength to remain sober and live a life of clarity.  I know that everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad.  I must look at everything as an opportunity to grow, stretch and become who I really want to be.  While unpleasant times got me to this place, I am grateful to have been blessed with a reason to see that only good can come from it.  Sometimes stretching, growing and cutting off the dead wood that stunts our growth and steals our energy is painful. However I am grateful to be going through this process that is healing me. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life!

F is for Failure and Faith

In the past I have had many attempts at sobriety and also many failures. It has come to the point where no one believes I can or will become and remain sober.  I can not blame them for their doubt in me, after all it is my track record. I have let them down and hurt them way too many times.  However I have Faith this time! Faith in the program I am in, faith in myself, faith in the support I get from everywhere and anywhere.  My past failures do not make up my future. I have read that failure isn't in the fall, but in not getting back up after the fall.  Well, I have had my share of slips and spills, but I am taking control over my life, and I am getting it back! No more excuses, no more lies, it's my time to get free from this addiction that I let run a muck too long. I feel good about my progress, but I am not over inflating my successes.  I know I still have a long way to go, but failure is not an option!  Failure is the past, I have Faith that with the help of the Universe and all the people and guides, along with AA and other support, I can live a full, wonderful sober life.
It's true, in the past I have failed, but I am not a failure, I am a work in progress. And as my mother told me, I can do anything I set my mind to!

E is for Emptiness

Drinking has never satisfied my needs.  It has always left me alone and empty.  I thought drinking could save me from depression and pain, but it only left me worse off then when I started. I often woke up as a hollow shell, knowing I drove the ones I love off.  They were only concerned for me and my welfare, and in my drunkenness I would hurt them more then I can ever know.  Drinking always started out as either fun and being social, or just to take the edge off and be comforted.  It always ended the same way, I would end up passed out in bed, feeling like crap in the morning, and my friends and family were hurt, or I didnt solve a damn thing. In fact, my problems just kept getting worse and worse.  Everything was piling up on top of me, and no one was there to help (anymore) I was empty and alone. I knew the only way to get my life back on track, be focused and salvage something including the companionship of my loved ones was to QUIT! (I never really lost there love, I just drove them away because they could not watch me kill myself slowly anymore) It wasnt easy, I had a couple of set backs, only giving less hope to my family.... but when I finally opened my eyes to what I was about to lose forever, I knew I could not live with that emptiness!
I felt I could not do it alone, I needed to be constantly watched, but I really didnt have the time of money to go into a 30 day inpatient program (which I would be willing to do if my efforts failed) so I began what I call "the babysitter".  I could not have someone around me 24/7, and knowing my track record, the second I would be left alone, I would sneak to a liquor store.  And so came into play ANABUSE.... it is with me 24/7 and even if I failed to take it, it takes 2 weeks to get out of my system.... there is no way I could drink.  In fact, sometimes I am scared to eat, if I fear wine could be in a recipe.  Being sober has pushed back the emptiness in my life.... still I have a lot of bridges to mend, but I am slowly seeing trust come back to me from the ones I love.... I believe they believe in me, and for once I believe in myself!

D is for Dream

I always loved when I would fall asleep and dream, like a movie that I would never know what to expect and can never see again. Some were so funny they would wake me up laughing, and others so scary I could not get back to sleep. But dreams can come when you are awake too... and the best dreams are the ones you can LIVE!  I had a dream that for a long time I thought could not come true. I would dream of being happy and sober.  I know without sobriety I could never REALLY be happy.... how could I?  Every morning waking up hating what I had done the night before.  Every morning feeling guilty and woozy.  Yet every night I would go back to the same thing.... a drink!  ooo just one or two, I would tell myself... but it always lead too way too many more.  My dream was to STOP! I wanted to be ME again!  I dreamt some day it would happen, I would be happy, focused and enjoying my life, without booze!  but I was sure that I just could not do it.   I felt like I was in a nightmare, no way out... I just didn't have enough will power to stop drinking, and in some way I thought no one really cared anyway. I was wrong.  No one really cared? They cared so much and tried so hard, but I kept disappointing them and PUSHING them away.  It got to the point where they just could not watch me abuse myself anymore. It hurt them, probably more then it was hurting me.  I was a living nightmare!
Then one day after I started treatment, and stumbled, I realized I had lost so much and this seemed like my last chance to salvage whatever I had left in my life.  I still had the man that loves me, but I was pushing him away too with my self destructive behavior.  That is when I said I HAVE to get serious and get my life back on track. What were my dreams?  Certainly not being without everyone and everything in my life, or being a drunk.  I had a chance and I didnt want to blow it!  It finally clicked!  I started taking the whole thing seriously.  This was not a game, not a DREAM.... this was real life and I had to wake up! Pulling myself up by the boot straps and taking a look at who I truly am without the booze, I knew I did have the strength in me to do this!  I was the only one who could, and I really wanted to live my dream. Loving myself enough to really dive into my sobriety and the program I was enrolled in and leaning on the ones that support me, I knew I had the power to do this!  I have so many blessing in my life, and now knowing I am on the right track, I can begin dreaming of my future. A future filled with joy and dreams that will come true. A future where my dreams can come true, and I can rest assured there will be no more nightmares.
Wishing all of your dreams come true too!

C is for Comfort

Yes, comfort, it could have been confidence, but without comfort I dont think I could have confidence!  My comfort has a name.... its call Antabuse.  Antabuse is a drug that causes a violent reaction should you consume any type of alcohol. In that I find comfort and with comfort comes confidence.  I have not even thought about a drink since I started taking this pill each morning, and I find myself reminding myself not to "forget" to take it.... as I am notorious for forgetting medication.  I HAVE to take this for now to help me succeed, but I have the confidence now that I WILL SUCCEED.... finally!
Between the support I get at home, in my group and with the "babysitter" Antabuse I know I can recover!  I have been sober, and know I am in recovery now... the big old gorilla that has been on my back is starting to look more like a chimp.... and I look forward to the day when it becomes a little pigmy spider monkey.... It will happen. One day I will be back to me, not even thinking about having a drink!  So comfort leads to confidence!
What is Antibuse?