M... Moving on

I have not used my blog in a LONG time... Life has changed.  I have been living it!  I am still sober and it has changed my life!! Almost 3 years and I have been so busy living and not thinking about "being sober" that I just have not had much to write about it....
SO... its time to switch gears!
I would just like to write about what I love and what my life has turned into.
I have done so much and have been experiencing so many new things, and old hobbies, that I sometimes feel like a kid just in awe of all there is to do!  Garden/Farm, photography, yoga and meditation and all sorts of crafts... mostly from natural items (wind chimes, mobiles, painting rocks, making garden signs.  Now I am learning how to weld!  I am creating a workshop slowly. A little farm, starting with about 6 chickens (although I might end up with 12 because I have chosen a few different breeds).  Me, my guy and our 4 dogs.... living the dream!  Making everyday count. BACK TO BLOGGING! and Finding the JOY every day!
Feel free to make a comment and share what brings you joy!  To the write is a poll to see what you would like to see in my blog.... please let me know! I cant wait to hear from YOU!

L is for Loving Life

Wow, what a difference sobriety makes!  There was a time when I thought, how can I ever be sober all the time.  Now I think how could I have been such a wreck all the time!  I love my life! I am experiencing things I never thought I would, and never could have in the state I was in!
Life, I can enjoy every aspect of it!  Sure there are times that I wish I could crawl into bed and hide under the covers, but I never want to drink those days away!  I have learned that drinking only makes those days (all following days/weeks) worse.... What I have learned is, to deal with my problems, look at my faults, and try to correct them, so I can be the best possible version of me.  I still have my battles, with myself, my mind, sometimes others, but I handle them better now.  OMG, did I tell you, I love my life?  I do!  I have a fabulous family and 3 (needy) dogs, I have all I need.  I have a home, a job, food.... and I have FUN!  Fun is more physical now... Horseback riding, zip lining, Motorcycle riding (got my permit, and getting my license!) I cant believe I am conquering fears like crazy (I am so scared of heights)
I think what I like right now, besides the adventures, is learning about myself.  I have so many chinks in my amour, but slowly I am looking at them and fixing what I can.  I have gone to a couple people and apologized for my behavior, and let them know I am working on it... I have also gone to a couple and said, I need help.  Life still has ups and downs, and can be difficult, but I know everyday it is getting better!  I even feel like some days I can even help someone else in need!  Now I could not have done that a year ago!  Slowly, I am making progress... and Loving Life!

K is for Kick the Habit

Ok, so I know its not as easy as that.  Its an effort every day, but everyday I can look at what I have now, where my life is going and how nothing is better than the future (alcohol free)
It's not always easy, there are big triggers like stress and emotions, as well as small ones like barbequing (always a beer in front of the grill)  but soda is a great replacement!
Yes sometimes its just habits, picnics, parties, all types of social events, but people for the most part dont pressure you to be "social" anymore.
In the old days when I didnt drink because I just didnt like it, I used to have water or soda with a lime in it... that made the big drinkers happy they were not drinking alone.
For me, drinking took up alot of my time, so looking for new "habits" is something I want to do, but its so funny.... now that I have a life, I have very little time for anything else but living it day to day!
I am glad I found myself in sobriety... I still once in a while would like a "taste" but it certainly isnt worth the problems it would create.  I love my life. I love where its going, I love who I am spending it with.  I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason, so I know that my drinking and sobriety was for a purpose....  I thank the Universe for what I have now... I am thankful it didnt take me as long as it takes others to get here, and I am thankful for all the people who helped me along the way... especially my soul mate Dave!

J is for Journey

It's funny where life will take you and how the choices we make pave the way.
I was on a path of self destruction. I doubt any other species on this earth would do to themselves what I was doing to myself (and what others choose to do to themselves). Yes we all in the human race have free will.... are we the only animal on earth that would use that free will to make ourselves sick and miserable?
Since I have made the choice to stop killing myself and abusing my body with alcohol, my journey has changed for the better.  Oh dont get me wrong, I have my moments, days and probably even weeks.... moments when I need more patience then I think I have, moments when I think I cant do it, moments when I want to cry, or hide from the world or run away from reality.  But I can deal with these moments now!  I can deal with them because I am NOT drinking.  And when I feel like I cant deal with them, I know I can lean on the one I love.  Do I have triggers that can set me off... OOOO YEA! but I also have a support system that I know I can go to, and get the help I need to get through the rough spots. 
Life is so good!  Life is good because I am sober and I can enjoy it! Yes they say life is a journey, with its long winding roads, some up hills, some down.... but the scenery is beautiful if you just look around!  Rainy days?  yep, but have you ever looked at a drop of rain coming off a blade of grass?
or a puddle of rain inside a tulip's leaf?  I have, and its beautiful.  Sunny days, with the sun warming your face... cold days when you can feel the air in your lungs and know you are alive?
Every day is good....
But then there are those days.... when you feel like even the Gods of the Universe are crying.... I'm not sure about you, but I never felt any better on those days when I got the the bottom of a bottle... so I choose to ride out the feelings, cry with the Universe and feel the feeling I am meant to feel... after all, that is life, and no matter what, LIFE IS GOOD.
Everything that happens in life, good, bad or indifferent is a lesson to learn and to move on from. I am so glad I have learned that self destruction is no way to live life.  I love the journey of life.  I love where I am, I love that I have had a good life for the most part, by the choices I have made.  I love that when I take responsibility for the path I take on my life's journey that the journey becomes more enjoyable. 
Do I hit bumps in the road?  yep, but I can handle them with the love of family (Dave, my kids, and of course my DAWGS!) 
Enjoy your journey.... choose to live life to its fullest, after all, life is too short to waste!

I is for....

Well, I is for me.  I know in sports, there is no I in team, but this is one thing in life I can only do for myself.  No one can do it for me, and I can't do it for anyone else.  I am not "good" at recovery.... I am just doing the best I can. I need help, but only I can stay sober, and I can only do it for me.  I have fucked up a couple times, and each time the lesson hurts me more and more, although the duck up is always less and less. (Thank God, because I hate how I feel if I slip and hurt myself and others that I love an mean the world to me)
I did it again.... I didn't even get drunk... I "just" had 2 beers... I just wanted to TASTE it..... Well, I did.... And no one knew except for me and one of the closest people to me..... And I hurt us both so badly.... And it was not worth it at all......
My choice, my mistake, yet it hurt both of us.  I hope I never ever slip into "remission" again.... Never sneak, or try to "fool" anyone.... I can't change the past.... I can only try to do better in the future....
I am human, I make mistakes, and have bad judgement on occasion.... I just have to remember to reach out for help when I need it.... It only helps me, and it helps earn the trust of the ones I love.  Because if I don't have their trust, I only have myself to blame... And without trust, it's hard to have much more to build on.
To all who love me..... I am sorry for the past hurts I put on you, I will work harder for your trust. I will also try not to be so hard on myself, and I will ask for help when I need it..... Because, I am worth recovery, sobriety and taking the steps to have a healthy focused life of love and joy.

H is for Hurting and Help

It's been a rough week!  One of the kinds of weeks you wish you could just hit the rewind button and do over!  I seemed as though one misunderstanding just lead to another and another. Until 2 people who love each other more than anything else hurt each other the best way they knew how.  Ya know what hurting does to the alcoholic?  It acts as a trigger...... A frigging trigger!
So what should an alcoholic in recovery do when they hurt and are being triggered big time?  GET HELP!
What did I do? ( remember I said rough week)
First I guess I wanted to cover the pain I was feeling with a drink, and hurt the one who hurt me.
So what did I do?
Yep.... I fucked up and I relapsed.... After a few I called a friend who encouraged me to stop drinking and talk out my hurt.... But as a drunk, I was past the point of no return.
I woke up the next morning, and had the same hurt and problems, but I realized I only made them worse by acting like a spoiled baby and lashing out and having a drink..... And worst yet, I gave up my sobriety!!
What the hell had I been thinking?  Nothing, I mean NOTHING is worth more then my sobriety!
The next day, we continued to hurt each other and it seemed unbearable..... But I kept telling myself NO! I went out to the pharmacy and passing 3 of my old liquor stores was one of the hardest things I ever did without stopping in!  Then I thought of something I had told my Daughter many many years ago, "everyone needs help sometime, and if they say they don't they are a liar"
I knew it, I needed help....
I went to an AA meeting, I reached out for help....
Events unfolded, and because I was sober I was able to handle them, and although they were hard, I could handle the situation, because I was SOBER.....
As things turned out, I was able to over come a stumble, get help, start working on healing the hurt..... I believe everything happens for a reason, and so much good has come from this lesson........
I know there will be triggers, but I also know I have to make a call BEFORE I allow the hurt to win (Oooooo yes, because I always have the choice to pick up a drink or to leave it).
Yea, I fucked up..... I drank...... But everyday is a new beginning.... I learned, call for help when you hurt!!!  JUST CALL..... You will save yourself a world of more hurt!
Now say it with me, just for today.... Just for this moment.... I will not drink,,,, and keep saying it my friend!

G is for Gratitude

There is so much for myself and others to be grateful for, but to many times we look at our desires instead of our blessing.  I have been so grateful for getting a second chance ( and a third, and fourth and so on) that I started think how so many of us (especially me) take so much for granted.
A few days ago, not far from where I live there was a massacre that took 27 people, inuding 20 children.  This has shaken all of us, but it also stopped many to be thankful for the simple things.  I am grateful to have a house and a bed to lay my head on at the end of the day. I am grateful that when so many search for jobs, I continue to have one.  I am thankful for my children who are healthy and able to care for themselves.  Yes, I am very grateful that I have found a strength to remain sober and live a life of clarity.  I know that everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad.  I must look at everything as an opportunity to grow, stretch and become who I really want to be.  While unpleasant times got me to this place, I am grateful to have been blessed with a reason to see that only good can come from it.  Sometimes stretching, growing and cutting off the dead wood that stunts our growth and steals our energy is painful. However I am grateful to be going through this process that is healing me. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life!

F is for Failure and Faith

In the past I have had many attempts at sobriety and also many failures. It has come to the point where no one believes I can or will become and remain sober.  I can not blame them for their doubt in me, after all it is my track record. I have let them down and hurt them way too many times.  However I have Faith this time! Faith in the program I am in, faith in myself, faith in the support I get from everywhere and anywhere.  My past failures do not make up my future. I have read that failure isn't in the fall, but in not getting back up after the fall.  Well, I have had my share of slips and spills, but I am taking control over my life, and I am getting it back! No more excuses, no more lies, it's my time to get free from this addiction that I let run a muck too long. I feel good about my progress, but I am not over inflating my successes.  I know I still have a long way to go, but failure is not an option!  Failure is the past, I have Faith that with the help of the Universe and all the people and guides, along with AA and other support, I can live a full, wonderful sober life.
It's true, in the past I have failed, but I am not a failure, I am a work in progress. And as my mother told me, I can do anything I set my mind to!

E is for Emptiness

Drinking has never satisfied my needs.  It has always left me alone and empty.  I thought drinking could save me from depression and pain, but it only left me worse off then when I started. I often woke up as a hollow shell, knowing I drove the ones I love off.  They were only concerned for me and my welfare, and in my drunkenness I would hurt them more then I can ever know.  Drinking always started out as either fun and being social, or just to take the edge off and be comforted.  It always ended the same way, I would end up passed out in bed, feeling like crap in the morning, and my friends and family were hurt, or I didnt solve a damn thing. In fact, my problems just kept getting worse and worse.  Everything was piling up on top of me, and no one was there to help (anymore) I was empty and alone. I knew the only way to get my life back on track, be focused and salvage something including the companionship of my loved ones was to QUIT! (I never really lost there love, I just drove them away because they could not watch me kill myself slowly anymore) It wasnt easy, I had a couple of set backs, only giving less hope to my family.... but when I finally opened my eyes to what I was about to lose forever, I knew I could not live with that emptiness!
I felt I could not do it alone, I needed to be constantly watched, but I really didnt have the time of money to go into a 30 day inpatient program (which I would be willing to do if my efforts failed) so I began what I call "the babysitter".  I could not have someone around me 24/7, and knowing my track record, the second I would be left alone, I would sneak to a liquor store.  And so came into play ANABUSE.... it is with me 24/7 and even if I failed to take it, it takes 2 weeks to get out of my system.... there is no way I could drink.  In fact, sometimes I am scared to eat, if I fear wine could be in a recipe.  Being sober has pushed back the emptiness in my life.... still I have a lot of bridges to mend, but I am slowly seeing trust come back to me from the ones I love.... I believe they believe in me, and for once I believe in myself!

D is for Dream

I always loved when I would fall asleep and dream, like a movie that I would never know what to expect and can never see again. Some were so funny they would wake me up laughing, and others so scary I could not get back to sleep. But dreams can come when you are awake too... and the best dreams are the ones you can LIVE!  I had a dream that for a long time I thought could not come true. I would dream of being happy and sober.  I know without sobriety I could never REALLY be happy.... how could I?  Every morning waking up hating what I had done the night before.  Every morning feeling guilty and woozy.  Yet every night I would go back to the same thing.... a drink!  ooo just one or two, I would tell myself... but it always lead too way too many more.  My dream was to STOP! I wanted to be ME again!  I dreamt some day it would happen, I would be happy, focused and enjoying my life, without booze!  but I was sure that I just could not do it.   I felt like I was in a nightmare, no way out... I just didn't have enough will power to stop drinking, and in some way I thought no one really cared anyway. I was wrong.  No one really cared? They cared so much and tried so hard, but I kept disappointing them and PUSHING them away.  It got to the point where they just could not watch me abuse myself anymore. It hurt them, probably more then it was hurting me.  I was a living nightmare!
Then one day after I started treatment, and stumbled, I realized I had lost so much and this seemed like my last chance to salvage whatever I had left in my life.  I still had the man that loves me, but I was pushing him away too with my self destructive behavior.  That is when I said I HAVE to get serious and get my life back on track. What were my dreams?  Certainly not being without everyone and everything in my life, or being a drunk.  I had a chance and I didnt want to blow it!  It finally clicked!  I started taking the whole thing seriously.  This was not a game, not a DREAM.... this was real life and I had to wake up! Pulling myself up by the boot straps and taking a look at who I truly am without the booze, I knew I did have the strength in me to do this!  I was the only one who could, and I really wanted to live my dream. Loving myself enough to really dive into my sobriety and the program I was enrolled in and leaning on the ones that support me, I knew I had the power to do this!  I have so many blessing in my life, and now knowing I am on the right track, I can begin dreaming of my future. A future filled with joy and dreams that will come true. A future where my dreams can come true, and I can rest assured there will be no more nightmares.
Wishing all of your dreams come true too!

C is for Comfort

Yes, comfort, it could have been confidence, but without comfort I dont think I could have confidence!  My comfort has a name.... its call Antabuse.  Antabuse is a drug that causes a violent reaction should you consume any type of alcohol. In that I find comfort and with comfort comes confidence.  I have not even thought about a drink since I started taking this pill each morning, and I find myself reminding myself not to "forget" to take it.... as I am notorious for forgetting medication.  I HAVE to take this for now to help me succeed, but I have the confidence now that I WILL SUCCEED.... finally!
Between the support I get at home, in my group and with the "babysitter" Antabuse I know I can recover!  I have been sober, and know I am in recovery now... the big old gorilla that has been on my back is starting to look more like a chimp.... and I look forward to the day when it becomes a little pigmy spider monkey.... It will happen. One day I will be back to me, not even thinking about having a drink!  So comfort leads to confidence!
What is Antibuse?

B is For......

WOW! Did I ever struggle with B!  Not that there werent enough B words to come up with, Believe, Benifits, Begining, even Broken.... but none seemed to really SPEAK to me.... I guess I still had work to do on A before I could move onto B.
So B is for BEST FRIEND! 
Best friends do what is always right for you, even if its not what you want to hear.  Best friends are there to help pick you up if you fall, but will not help in what made you fall to begin with.
I am fortunate to have a couple of people who are close enough to me to be my BEST friend. (I know most people only get 1 Best Friend, but the Universe saw my need and blessed me with 2)
I have Best Friends that cares about me sometimes more then I do.  Best Friends who tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear.  Best Friends that will not tolerate my abuse of alcohol. Best Friends that will not ENABLE me.  Now that is a BEST friend! 
I had to reach up from below the bottom... but when I got there, my best friend was waiting, to help me... not to help me do it again, but to truly help me become healthy again. My best friend keeps me positive, and helps me keep things in perspective.  I dont have to solve everything at once, I just have to take baby steps to get to my goal.  Each day I feel (with the strength I get from my best friend) that my stride is getting just a little bit bigger. I feel confident that with the help of others (many others) I can reach my goal, achieve a healthy sober life, and be happy again!
I am grateful for my Best Friends!

A is For Awareness

I have been in a spiral down fall for so long I almost lost myself.
I am fortunate today, because of AWARENESS!
Everyone has a defect or 2.... a flaw of some sort that can be improved on, but not everyone actually knows what their flaw might be.  I am BLESSED to have had it pointed out by several, and my flaw has became so huge I had no choice but to look at it and INTO IT.  This is where the word awareness has come to be my new strength!
How lucky am I to know what my flaw is!  So many people in this world have no idea what their flaw is and therefore can not work on correcting it, but I DO!!! and I can finally work on correcting it, or at least knowing I have this flaw that might never go away (as its part of me) however, I can learn to work around it, and make it shink.  What is my flaw you ask?  Why I am an alcoholic.
hard to say? no not really..... hard to admit to myself.... it has been.... Shameful.... well, it was and can be, but I am willing to deal with my flaw, and correct its effects... similar to the way a diabetic would watch their blood sugar.
I am finally taking action over a disease I let run my life for a few years.... and I am AWARE of what effects it has not only on me, but EVERYONE I love!
I am aware I need to do this for me.... and I am, I am taking my life back.....
but I am also doing it for everyone that I have hurt with my actions.  I let this disease control a big portion of my life... but now that I am aware of how I was allowing it to take everything from me, I have decided to get help and take back control.
I am aware of many things since I reached out for help.  I am aware that I alone am like a string, easily unwound and can break in a snap.  However with help and support from others who have gone before me, that string can be intertwined with others to become a cable that is strong enough to pull me to most enriching places I thought I might never see again.
So with AWARENESS... and a lot of help from my group that supports me, I know I can regain my life, focus and continue the journey of my life.
To all who believed I could do it before I was even aware of the depths of my issues.... I truly THANK YOU and LOVE YOU!
Yes, I was in a downward spiral, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and my awareness illuminates it!

Static Kitty!

Click on the title (Static Kitty) and watch the Youtube video.
This video is so funny. Although you will notice they are prompting the cat to walk by luring a toy... and the balloon changes color once, its BRILLIANT!
So cute and funny I think every cat should get a balloon!

Its been a LONG TIME!

It's almost Valentines Day and I am divorced.... oh its not a bad thing, its been a long time coming and I am so much less stressed then I have been for the past 2 years. I have a new name, I have a new home, I have a new dog!
Today my joy is my dogs, and tomorrow it will be my granddaughter who is coming over the spend the day with me! We will make dog treats and I am sure she will want to make egg salad and white rice with "budda."
I truly am blessed with all I have, my family, my pets (aka family), my friends, my job, my home! So its been a long time, but I am back to blogging and will actually get better at it as time goes by

be good to yourself!

Every second counts!
My joy today tells me to be GOOD to me!
Today, I passed my test to get my boating license!
Today, I got to play with my beloved dogs!
Today, I got to be with my kids!
Today, I realized I am worth live like I am dyin!
Today this video brought me my joy....reminding me to take care of myself and do what brings me joy every day!
Tomorrow....
I hope my joy is spending time with the kids and pets, get out on a boat soon, VACATION with friends, find a great place to live/work.... and meet fabulous new people!

I am not a country music fan... I just love all music that relates... and this one REALLY RELATES!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbfeSImDntw
Hope you enjoy it and find comfort in it! (as I do)

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

(From an Email I received today)
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3 . If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Glass of wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

How Cute!

Surprised Kitty @ Yahoo! Video

Makes me smile!

His Partner is a Real Dog!

But She really looks happy and has ALL the right moves!

Snuggling Makes a Joyful Kitty!

After beging home for at least 10 days since my cruise, I should be ashamed to say I haven't unpacked! But who could take this little kitty's Joy away by unpacking this overnight bag that makes such a great sleeping spot???
Here Mau-Mau cuddles up in my bag, a refuge from the dogs, and enjoys a warm snuggly sleep!